Tuesday, December 8, 2015

Types of people you'll see at the Atlanta United FC open try out

What should you expect? I have no idea. If you're lucky no one will be wearing these shin wreckers.

Past that, you can probably except to see these guys at tryouts.

22-year-old Division III dreamer

He's got skills, they are serious. He'd beat you 1v1 any day. He'll command respect among the trialists but he's really just looking for a way to keep mom and dad off his back for still spending all day at the fields instead of filling our job applications.

Big belly, little legs

Not like any of us have perfect bodies, but this guy will defy logic. He's never spent a second considering nutrition and his newfound gut proves it. Nevertheless he will consistently turn his man with the help of his heft and run down every loose ball. You'd never know he was that out of shape until he can't open his Gatorade due to exhaustion at the end of the day.

Bald keeper

Numbers don't lie, it's required.

Token woman

Another player whose skill is not in question. She'll be there more for image and making a statement than actual hopes of making a roster. Still, she's good for clowning at least four men who dare underestimate her.

The captain

Here is the guy who's skill may be in question, but he's sure to organize the group and bark out tips. If there's a minor scuffle between hot heads he'll immediately be between them. Don't forget, he's calling everyone "mate" even though he has no accent that gives him the right to.

Spot kick king

Will an opportunity even arise for him to take advantage of all those nights he recorded himself from a field-level iPhone for his Instagram page? Doubtful. His warm-up is going to be siiiick tho.

Full kit wanker

I doubt anyone will have the audacity to show up in full club gear, but this guy comes close. Barcelona training top, Arsenal shorts, BVB socks and the cleanest pair of Nike Magista Obra you have ever seen. He will probably find a way to actually touch the ball the least.

Mr. 110%

If there's a person who will cause an injury, it's him. When the captain tries to calm him down, Mr. 110% will insist it was a 50/50 ball.

Just happy to be here

Knows he won't make any team but had a couple vacation days to burn before the end of the year and thought it'd be fun to check out what a try out is like. Runs half marathons so won't get tired. Would bum the "better" players out for being able to keep up if he weren't so damn nice.

Who'd we miss?